Confirmed Bisexual (my first adult experience with another woman).

It’s been a few years since I last posted anything on this blog, well 7 to be exact, and despite the twists and turns of those years I am still with The Guy (for the two people who might get notified about this and are curious). We have been married for 5 years now and together (on and off) for 12 and our sex life has been something that has grown and evolved with our relationship. So for my own sense of continuity, I would like to roll back to 2014 and start from there.

In 2014 I was 26 years old and I had come over the past few years to realise that I was (theoretically) bisexual. I say theoretically because my experiences with other women were all pre-teen and I had no idea if the attraction was merely fantasy or even just sexual nostalgia from the girlhood experiences I had had.

I had a friend who had dated a woman briefly tell me with a slightly put off expression that going down on a woman “wasn’t as bad as she thought it would be” which seemed to me like she hadn’t really enjoyed the experience – and she had previously thought she might be bisexual so I had no idea what my response as an adult would be.

I only knew that most of my fantasies were about women and that The Guy and I had been sharing these fantasies for years before he one day breathlessly said to me as we both frustratedly replayed a well-worn scenario “I really want to make this happen for you”. This was the first bridge between a lifetime of fantasy and reality, and I was excited and nervous. How do we go about this as a committed, monogamous couple?

We spoke about it and came to the conclusion that visiting a sex worker together was the least complicated way to go about things. I felt safer in the knowledge that this would be a no strings attached transaction and that everyone would know the deal from the get-go. It was also really the only way we could practically think to make it happen, this was years before either of us had heard the (terrible) term “unicorn” or would even have thought to use apps like Tinder, and mining your friendship circle for a threesome didn’t seem wise.

I quickly got online and dove deep into scrolling through escort websites. The deal was that, to make sure I was comfortable, I would choose the person we went to and she didn’t need to even be The Guy’s type as it wasn’t about that for him. As luck would have it – we have very similar taste in women.

I found someone I thought was gorgeous, she was toned with long, dark hair, medium sized breasts, and big, kind-looking, green eyes. There was a number. I called it, someone answered and enjoying the surprise in their voice when they heard my voice, I organised a time and place.

The Guy and I made some ground rules and spoke through possibilities to make sure we were both on the same page. No cuddling was the main rule from my side.

The date arrived and I met The Guy after work. Under jeans and a slinky top I was wearing carefully chosen black, lacy lingerie, I was very aware of wanting to look my best for her, which The Guy had found amusing as I was choosing my outfit that morning.

The subway ride was quiet and a little surreal, but The Guy and I held hands and looked at each other smiling.

We walked to a door in Chelsea and knocked. We heard heels click along a wooden floor and the door opened. She was breath-taking to me, she was wearing black lingerie with red lining, suspenders and heels. She smiled generously, introduced herself, and welcomed us in. We followed her down a corridor and into a large room with a couch and a bed. We handed her an envelope and she invited us to sit on the couch as she disappeared for a moment.

When she reappeared, she joined us on the couch and gently asked us some questions, placing her hand on my thigh and focussing on my face as she did. She could tell I was nervous and was wonderfully professional in how she made me feel at ease. She took my hand and beckoned for me to stand up, I did so and she pulled me into her and kissed me. She kissed softly and deeply and I felt more than a little light-headed from it. Once she had stripped me down to my panties, I looked over at The Guy and called him to join us. The nerves were now gone and it was unfolding organically and easily. The Guy and her kissed, she undressed him as well and the three of us moved to the bed.

Fantasies were being ticked off one by one, going down on The Guy with another women, kissing a woman’s breasts, going down on a woman (which was amazing). I remember feeling her soft figure in my hands and it all feeling really sexy, comfortable and right to hold a woman and yet something that was completely new all at the same time.

Watching her with The Guy was so sexy, seeing his sexuality as his own. I remember kissing his neck and whispering in his ear how sexy he was while holding him from behind. I also remember moving down and kissing her as she came, seeing the surprise on her face and us laughing together after as I said “he’s good isn’t he”! I felt so proud to be with a competent, engaged and attentive partner and hoped that she had enjoyed the experience as much as it seemed like she did.

Once our hour was over The Guy teasingly told her as we were all getting dressed  that I had chosen my lingerie for her – I blushed as she smiled and laughingly thanked me. She was lovely and we couldn’t have asked for a kinder person to guide us through this experience.

I felt so empowered after having done this, it affirmed so much for me personally – I felt that I could own that I was in fact bisexual and I could finally embrace this about myself. I would never discount another person’s sexual preference based on their experience or lack thereof but for me, this was an important moment in accepting myself. It was a wonderful thing to experience with The Guy. We had both come from Christian backgrounds and so this was something really liberating for him as well.

It wasn’t all as simple as it could have been though, I was young and my insecurities got the better of me a few days later when I started over thinking things, we also ended up deciding that, as wonderful, professional and kind as she was, we were not totally comfortable with paying for sex. But I will write about that in the next post. On this night though The Guy and I were soaking in an incredible shared experience that we had fantasised together about for years and we went home silently smiling on the tube to re-live it together again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Over-thinking Sex

I have always been a very sexual person, I like masturbating, I like sex, I like orgasms, I like fantasizing, I like watching porn and trying new things. And if The Guy caught me at any point on any day I would usually be ready to go then and there, there was no time sex would be suggested that I wouldn’t be keen, except that he rarely got the chance to start things up because I usually beat him to it.
I am also usually very free with my sexuality not ashamed of my body, I move around freely in sex and am able to really push for and enjoy orgasms. I am also not shy to ask for what I want. We can go for a couple of hours at a time and even once The Guy has cum, if I am not quite done (despite having had multiples already) I will keep masturbating. No shame, just free flowing , good sexuality.

 
Recently however something shifted, I picked up weight, and this really affected me. I stopped feeling sexy, started feeling unsure and self conscious. I didn’t move around as much during sex, I didn’t start things up as much. I stopped being myself and the less I acted like myself in this area , the more confused it became, I started over thinking sex. Which was a big mistake. I started thinking there was a problem with me, that it was taking me too long to cum or that it was more work than normal to cum, that I had lost my sex drive.

 
Over-thinking things and sex don’t go well together. The more you think there is a problem , the more you create the problem. If you start worrying that it is going to take you long to cum, you are going to have a hard time cumming.

 
And the thing that started it off was such a non issue- some weight gain. I have one woman who is one of my biggest fantasies and whom I masturbate to regularly, we used to work together, and she was not skinny but very sexual and as a result, very sexy. Sexy is only a small percentage what you look like, and the rest is who you are sexually. I forgot this and it spun me out and soon the thing that The Guy found the most sexy about me was not quite there, and it had nothing to do with the weight gain. We started having issues because the more I over thought things the more The Guy thought something must be wrong and pretty soon our amazing sex life was not what it should be. The less sexually free I was the less The Guy felt he could be sexually free with me and so the mind games I was spinning in my head became the mind games we both had issues with.

 
So whats the answer once you have lost the track a bit? Vulnerability and letting go. Nothing else will build back sexual connection. I had to come to terms with the fact that this was all in my head, there was no deeper issue and it had come from something very simple. Then I had to let go and get vulnerable to get us back on track.

 
Strip, expose my body and not worry about the weight.

 
Do those vulnerable things -take a vagina shot and send it to The Guy at work telling him I am watching porn.

 
Masturbate and don’t put pressure on myself to cum quickly or not- just enjoy it.

 
Remember who I am sexually and that its all still there waiting for me when I stop over-thinking things.

 
And now with the mind games dropped I get the fun job of building it back with The Guy and getting us back to our ridiculously good sex life.

 
Bottom line is, sex and thoughts are linked, be careful not to over-think things, especially not over something as small as gaining a bit of weight.

Public Sex

Its a cliche but still a good one; suppressed groans, quiet and quick intakes of breath, an urgency of touch, the edge of being exposed and partly naked in cold, crisp air, the thrill of knowing that you are committing an offence- that some one could catch you- all the good things that come with the fantasy of sex in a public place. It’s a long standing fantasy that I fulfilled this week.

I had always expected that it would be in a public bathroom or a change-room  but this was much better.

For some quick context, I won’t bore you with the details, but things with The Guy and myself are not as solid they could be, we are somewhere on the spectrum between friends and partners but where exactly is up for grabs, and where we are headed is equally so. No matter what the status though, we have never been particularly good at keeping our hands off each other. We had done pretty well this time, a stretch of about 3 weeks or so, helped mostly by the fact that we haven’t been in a room alone together in that period of time, but it turns out that we can scramble urgently over that barrier as well.

After having had dinner we walked to the train station and stood bundled in our big winter coats, looking at each other about to say good bye. The moment was drawn out until one of us (me) mentioned the sexual tension, and the next moment we were walking in search of the nearest park.

We walked for about 10 to 15 minutes until we reached a park, snowy, dark and perfect but locked. Strangely respectful of one law whilst planning to break another, we admitted defeat and started walking back to the station. We didn’t hold much hope of being able to find a dark alleyway considering the fact that we were in frustratingly well lit, central London, but that didn’t stop me from peering down side roads as we walked. Almost back at the station I saw a small cobblestone road and suggested we walk down it. As we did it felt like we were in a Micheal Jackson music video with lights switching on as we walked underneath them. Then I noticed a small cupboard looking space in the wall of a block of apartments, with a half pulled down wooden roller door. We peered underneath the door, it was about 1.5 square meters , plywood walls and a high roof, clearly someones apartment on the other side of the wall. It was almost comically too good to be true- literally a close-able cupboard in a wall, down a side street of central London.

We sneaked in and pulled the door down just before it was properly closed (worried that if we could get locked in). As soon as we were in we dropped our bags and started hungrily kissing, the relief of not having touched for so long energizing us. Gloves were ripped off and hands were breathed on to warm them up before they slipped under layers of clothing. For some reason I have always needed to lie down to cum clitorally (word?) and generally take a while to get there, but with not much room to move and the excitement of being in a public space I came standing up, and quickly, with the guy having to hold me up as I lost control of my knees, quietly whispering “I’ve got you”. After gaining use of my limbs again I turned around pulled him out of his jeans and went down on him, finding a publicly exposed cock incredibly enticing. A car drove passed and we froze pulling our feet further back to escape the encroaching light, and then continued tentatively touching each other as the growling car stopped. I imagined that it might be the police called by the apartment dwellers who, having heard the door being rolled down and the following muffled noises, had guessed what was happening. The Car door eventually closed again and drove on, leaving us hands on belts ready to run. With the threat over The Guy pulled down my jeans and shoved himself inside me from behind my hands on each wall, I came immediately for a second time (G-spot orgasms come quickly and frequently for me). Our sessions can usually go on for around an hour to two at a time, but this was clearly an incredibly stimulating experience for both of us and The Guy quickly said “stop, wait, I am going to cum” but having already cum twice and on the edge of the third I told him to go for it, and he came almost as quickly as I had done .

Fantasy-fulfilling orgasms, it would seem, are urgent, intense and very good.

We pulled up jeans, checked under the door for pedestrians and slipped out, making our way back to the station.

On the train home I got a message from The Guy- “that was bloody sexy”. Agreed.

 

Talking towards great sex…

Ignoring how cliche this might appear, I think talking to your partner is probably the best thing you could do for your sex life, especially if you are sharing that with someone you intend to keep. It’s the biggest investment you can make towards your sexual relationship. Both in learning how to please each other better, and in building a strong bond.

Sex is really an awesome thing when you think of what it can do, I have a genuine respect for it, and as you can probably tell, an unfailing interest in it. It allows for physical emotional and spiritual bonding between two people. Where words fall disappointingly flaccid, it gives you a rich and breathing way to express emotion that can be silently accepted and returned in a deeply instinctual way. It is also a way to feel completely accepted- naked and vulnerable and wanted, which I think is a message that people at the center of ourselves need to hear. And it feels bloody good. Especially when you can have multiples 🙂

As amazing as sex can be though, it can also be awkward stunted and limping, with little connection. And I think talking is the best way to start bridging the gap between average and great sex.

If you want this talk to be as good and useful as it can, you first need to drop any acts you are staging. When I first started dating The Guy, as a naive 20 year old , I was still the star of my own sex scene. I knew from the movies what sexy was supposed to look like, the expression I should have when I cum, what people in the movies sounded like when things were feeling good and what meant that you were an intense and passionate lover- something I desperately wanted to be seen as. This resulted in me trying to scream my way through climax, groaning at the slightest pleasure as if it was earth-shatteringly good, and even more embarrassingly leaving scratch and bite marks on belts and legs and backs. The Guy, wise as he is, called the crap though, and I quickly outgrew it. Turns out when being myself the most natural way to express pleasure, far from groaning loudly is to quietly gasp, and whilst I still enjoy rubbing legs and backs as I cum, I have taken out the claws. And i quickly realized this doesn’t make me less of a passionate lover, but it does make me more of an authentic one, which is where you need to start if you are laying the groundwork for real, good sex. You cant talk real if you are acting, you have to strip it down to who you really are if you are going to interact properly. Its also the way you can be sure to be as sexy as possible, real is always most attractive.
Authenticity is probably a good sedge-way to the next step, absolute honesty, and absolute acceptance. You need to let go of all ideas of normal or acceptable and go into this willing to share your most shameful memories and secrets, and to hear and accept your partner’s. There is nothing more freeing than to voice something that you are embarrassed or ashamed of and to have that heard and accepted with no judgement attached. Most of us did some things that we would consider “dodgy”or “messed up” as kids- who haven’t yet fully understood or conformed to social norms. The liberating thing though, is that most of us did some weird stuff, whether kids or not. In my last post (Theoretically Bisexual) I recounted the shame I held onto for most of my life about sexually interacting with a female cousin of mine when I was young, and having this heard without being judged as incestuous was huge for me. Some of the other deepest-darkests that I have told The Guy include: being touched by an uncle as a kid, being touched by a much older friend as a kid, and even (which I still find embarrassing) one time when I decided to hump the dog, I am not entirely sure what I was thinking at the time, but I did it. The Guy returned my honesty , there was no judgement from either side and we ended up feeling bonded and truly known. If you want an easy way to start this kind of dialogue, there are some really easy openers, and talking through your first sexual experiences is a good way to get going. When was the first time you came? How old were you when you learned to masturbate (and how did you first masturbate ? When was the first time you touched some one else? When was the first time some one else touched you? When was the first time some one else made you cum? When was the first time you had sex? What did these experiences look like? Obviously this is a reciprocal conversation, not an inquisition, but these questions lay open the path well to both uncovering some history and getting dialogue going to the point where you can talk about what you are most ashamed of in your sexual past and accept your partner for doing the same.
Dropping the act and sharing your past lays the groundwork and is a good part of the way to knowing and being known. Sharing who you actually are sexually is the other half of that. Knowing who your partner is, what their fantasies are, and what goes on in their head when they masturbate are ways to really enhance an authentic sex life. We are not neat bundles sexually and we don’t need to fit into any prescribed norm, sexuality is fluid, wide and in-containable  For me some of the less conventional things that I have as part of my sexuality, which I have both discovered and shared with The Guy are ,as previously mentioned, being bisexual, and a little less conventionally -having quite a masculine side to my sexuality. At first I did not know this and did not want to look at it. I am not butch, I have boobs, hips, long hair and get excited when my bras match my panties, but admitting that there were parts of me that are more masculine was something that I found threatening to my identity as a woman. I first started to realize this side to me when I would be lying on top of The Guy in-between his legs ,usually whilst kissing during foreplay, and would push my pelvis into his- the mere action would make me shiver, loose control and cum instantly without being touched or penetrated at all. The Guy pointed out to me that I might have a fantasy about fucking some one, as in penetrating them. He was right, its the control and ability to dominate that I find incredibly sexy. Using a strap on to fuck some one with is now a huge fantasy that we both enjoy.This is just one example of this side to me but there are other aspects to the more male side of my sexuality that we have incorporated and enjoyed together. The Guy was never threatened by this side of me, he never took my sexuality on as a reflection of himself, exploring this with me never made him less of a man and never made me less of a woman in his eyes nor did it make me less attractive to him. It was only through discovering and sharing this with The Guy that I learned to let go of any shame attached to this, and as before, being known and knowing some one for who they are will always enhance and deepen. And, yet again, real is always sexiest. At least it has been that way for us. There is no part of The Guy that I don’t want to know, and there is no part of me that I want to hide from him.
Then lastly, the obvious one, talk during sex, tell your partner when something feels good, feels really good, looks sexy, turns you on. It makes you better able to please and be pleased by your partner. Learn how to rub him better, learn how to find her g-spot, learn if its long slow strokes that get him or her off or quick intense ones, or a mixture of both one progressing to the other. Use your hands to guide your partner’s as they learn. The guy knows that I feel really good on top, I know he doesn’t feel that much in this position but I know that he feels really good when we are in the doggy style position, so we give and take during sex and its an evenly balanced experience for us.
Talk out fantasies together and through these fantasies learn what your partner finds sexy.Watching porn together and commenting on what you are finding sexy is a great way to get to know each other and get some good ideas. It was through watching porn that I realized how damn sexy I find the idea of some one cumming onto my clitoris and it is now something I ask for during sex. You learn what your partner is looking at when you are having sex, and what he/she finds sexy about men or women. I know that The Guy likes asses and finds back dimples sexy for instance, he knows that I find necks hands and obviously crotches sexy, and that I enjoy openly checking his crotch out in jeans. Its sometimes the small stuff that affirms and connects.
If a once off, or sex for physicalities sake, is what you are looking for, then ignore me and I hope you enjoy it and find good chemistry with another skilled individual. But if you are invested and in it for real, you might want to get good at some sexy talk to open the doors to a great sexual relationship and taking sex to its highest potential.

Theoretically bisexual (by the girl)

As a bit of pretext -I am going to come out of a couple of closets over time- but today I am opening the mahogany doors of the bisexual closet and letting you all see the fur drip from my shoulder in an expose of this facet of my sexuality.

I am theoretically bisexual. This means that I follow a pair of shapely legs when they pass me and imagine what it would be like to slide my hand up them, but having been in all of two long-term monogamous straight relationships from the age of 16, with a period of three months between them, all of my experiences with bisexuality go back to the blooming years of my life.

When you are young and stumbling into your sexual journey you don’t define it, you just slip from imaginative stories of lovers played out by dolls into touching and exploring that is neither understood nor categorised. Innocent experiences shared with friends behind the safely closed doors of a young girl’s room.  These experiences much like most of childhood have a large part to play in the adults we become.

At around the age of 9 or 10 I had a female cousin who was a close playmate, I’m not sure how we discovered that we could please one another, but our games somehow lead to a mutual touching that we continued to explore. This touching progressed into us learning how to push our naked pelvises together and rub the right parts against each other until we felt the burst of pleasure I had previously only reached on my own. We didn’t know that this was sex, we didn’t know that this was something that if it continued into our adult lives would be considered incest. But this was my first experience of learning how to give another person an orgasm, and how to bring myself to orgasm with another person’s body, not that we knew the term for what we were feeling.  I like to think I must have been quite good at sex from the start, because I was able to bring both her and myself to climax simultaniously. There was never a day of realisation that stopped the process, never a conversation or awkward moment, but as we became self conscious and self aware, sensitive to the exposition of nudity and our sexual lives became our private lives, it simply faded and stopped. It was only later in my teenage years that I looked back on this and realised with deep shame that I had had sex with my cousin. I held this as the one secret I never dared to mention, until at about 22 years old, The Guy and I were talking about our early sexual lives and I admitted to him that this had happened, and when he didn’t react with shock , I realised it was innocent and fairly natural.

My early teens had more exploration, and I remember sitting on the large window sill in my dark haired, gorgeous friend Megan’s room one night, staring out at the stars and talking about the subject of boys, which was becoming more and more interesting to us. We spoke about how nervous we were to kiss a boy for the first time, and about a friend of ours who had actually kissed a boy and had practiced for it on a lollipop. At one point in the conversation we both looked at each other with mutual understanding. One of said “should we do it?” and with a giggled yes, we both ran to the bathroom and brushed our teeth. When we came back to the windowsill we established who would tilt their heads which way and had our first kiss, I remember it was both strange and good, we pulled back, looked at each other, and agreed that we should try it again with each of our heads angled in the opposite direction – just to be sure we could do it right both ways. Realizing how much we liked it, we quickly stopped what we must have understood would become more than just practicing a first kiss. Strangely enough I never considered these to be “real first kisses” , and when I got my first boyfriend I was so terrified of kissing a boy that I dumped him as soon as he tried. He begged for me back and we dated for an entire six months without doing anything more than holding hands. Eventually, after having gotten comfortable with the idea for some time, I got so frustrated that the poor boy wouldn’t initiate anything, that one afternoon as we were sitting on the beach looking out at the waves, I dramatically pulled his chin to face me and kissed him.

From that point I continued down the road of straight sexual discovery, and those “practice kisses” were the end of my female-female experiences. But that was somewhat begrudgingly. I started dating my first long-term boyfriend at the age of sixteen and we dated through to my 20s. During this time, my group of high school friends started more intentionally discovering and trying out bisexuality, and had some mostly innocent make out sessions. I remembered very much wanting to be a part of this, but my boyfriend was the jealous type to an extreme, and I knew kissing another girl was never going to be an option.  I do remember some very tense moments between myself and a friend of mine, whom I still fantasize about, dancing in her living room our pelvises moving together, and bodies snaking in a way that we knew would be very alluring to the guys around us, and had I not been in a relationship, I am pretty sure I would know what it would be like to have sex as an adult with a woman.

My next relationship was with The Guy, and as I started getting more honest about what I fantasized about, and discovered porn, I realized that I was bisexual. That I really wanted to be with a woman, and as a woman know what it would be like to rub my naked pelvis against another woman’s and know if it would feel as good as it did when I was a girl.

Now knowing this about myself, I find that I enjoy watching women in the street, and somehow, excuse myself from having to worry about moral questions, on account of being a woman, as I look at the woman around me in a purely sexual manner, imagining what I would like to do with them, and having flashes of throwing them against walls. Recounting these flashes and fantasies has been a lot of fun with The Guy and fueled some pretty explosive sex.

Both The Guy and I would really like to make this happen for me and are busy figuring out ways to do it. The logistics of bringing another person into your sex life would take up a whole other blog post. But I am considering approaching my ex dancing partner (who I am pretty sure would be open to it), to be my first adult lesbian experience.

I can definitely say it’s my early developmental years that have formed my interest in women, and as an adult I am more than excited about becoming more than theoretically bisexual.

Male sexuality (by the girl)

Male sexuality is something that in my opinion has been quite badly distorted in our society. I think that for the most part men are seen as selfish, largely unfaithful (unless inhibited by some serious lack of control that is not expected to follow through to their thought life) and “pervy”. Women are often portrayed as the faithful givers whilst men are seen to be the lascivious takers. I don’t see it this way, and I think we do a lot of harm to the development of male sexuality as well as the development of male sexual identity.

Far from being selfish, I think that men if anything are the givers and that their sexuality is really quite a beautiful thing (excuse the feminine descriptor). From what I have understood of male sexuality- it is completely geared toward the enjoyment of female sexuality. Men find almost all of their pleasure in giving and seeing female pleasure.

I think porn is a perfect lens through which to look at this.

It took me a long time to get comfortable with the idea of porn, when The Guy and I first started dating I too had a relatively negative view of men in this area, and it was only from a continuous dialogue and shared experiences with The Guy, that I started to understand his sexuality, and through that male sexuality. I am lucky to be with someone who doesn’t pull any punches and says things as they are, which -whilst meaning that I was never assured of getting the answer I wanted to hear ,does mean that I had some honesty to work with when it comes to understanding who I was with. The Guy never watched porn and never made any attempts to bring it into our sexual relationship, but I wanted to broaden our experiences and suggested bringing it in. I did this tentatively, as someone who had previously been uncomfortable when our screen was graced with the presence of a naked woman during a movie; I was deliberately pushing myself into a new realm of security.

I was given the task of finding a video that I found sexy (to ensure that I was completely comfortable), loading it up onto my lap top and bringing it up to the bed of The Guy’s then loft flat. We put the lap top on the side of the bed and loaded the video up. I lay next to The Guy, his hands touching me as we started to watch. As we were watching we commented on what we found sexy, asked and answered each other’s questions.

The first thing I learnt about The Guy, and myself, was that anything that felt fake, wasn’t a turn on. Which was why I opted for some ammature porn of couples who had taped themselves. I found that in this first delving into porn it was actually the woman that interested me most, I knew what she was feeling like when being touched or penetrated and it made me want the same. In fact I was the one who got most turned on and as I started making new noises and feeling very good, The Guy got immediately distracted from the video and became completely involved in my pleasure while I was watching and how quickly I was responding to his touch.

With the fact that I found watching female pleasure exciting in mind I chose a video of two women, which I still think was one of the sexiest videos I have watched. It was an incredibly tense scene between a gorgeous dark haired woman and a blonde, where the dark haired woman pushed the blonde onto a desk and went down on her.  I have searched for it many times since then but have never been able to find it. At the end of the video I told The Guy how attractive I found the dark haired woman, and he responded, quite honestly, that he had not really noticed, he hadn’t examined her face or specific body at all.

For him it was all about watching two people who were turned on, it was their tension, the mutual want and the energy between them that he had been focussing on, which I completely related to. I restarted the video to get him to look at her and he said that yes he agreed with me, she was actually very attractive. I was surprised. Where was the “typical guy” who was all about seeing attractive woman and imagining himself with them? Here was someone whose sexuality wasn’t looking so different from my own. Sure, we agreed that having really unattractive bodies on the screen might be a distraction from the pleasure, but the individual people in it were not at all the focus , if anything I was more aware of them than he was

Whilst I had started venturing into porn, I still didn’t completely feel comfortable and we didn’t bring it up again for a while.

Then a few months down the line The Guy was away on business and staying at a friend’s place during that time. At a moment when I knew he was with other people, I decided I wanted to cruelly turn him on instantly, in a place where he could do nothing about it (I very much enjoy being a cock tease). I ventured back onto Redtube and found an image of a woman’s open legs with cum dripping from between them, downloaded it to my phone and messaged it to him, the response I got was “SHIT!”  I continued to tease him with messages of what I was doing and what I wanted him to be doing most of that trip and when I picked him up at the airport the sexual tension between us was so high that we discovered it was possible for a guy to cum and drive at the same time.

This image brought porn back into play for us. Still being the one given the task of sourcing the porn, I found a video of this time again a straight video that started out with a guy and a girls pleasing each other in the shower and ended up with a girl on the bathroom counter as the guy fucked her, and eventually made her squirt (something which by the way you can teach yourself / your partner to do – but that’s for another post). There was one point in the video that the girl was looking down, watching the penis push inside her, and  I have a very clear memory of The Guy saying that he found  her looking at this very sexy. A woman finding visual pleasure from sex was an instant turn on for him.   We then loaded up this video which is still a favorite of mine …. (http://www.keezmovies.com/video/incredibly-passionate-real-sex-scene-660995 unfortunately this specific link is a low quality version of it). Luckily for me The Guy and I can have sessions where we make out and have sex for 1-2 hours at a time, so whilst we were watching  this second one I told him I wanted to make him cum during the video and asked when he wanted to cum, I had a bit naively assumed that in the same way I wanted to and usually did cum when the woman came, he would cum when the man came, but he told me it would be much sexier for him to cum when she came. What got him off was seeing a woman’s pleasure, hearing a woman cum.

Through these videos and the constant dialogue we had whilst watching them, I had started to understand that male sexuality is completely geared towards giving and seeing female pleasure, and far from being “pervy” it didn’t matter what the woman looked like, her specific body or face didn’t really come into play and wasn’t remembered. In fact, she didn’t even have to have the “perfect” woman’s body. The Guy found slightly chubby women as entertaining to watch as he did very skinny girls, he found large breasted woman as entertaining to watch as he did smaller chested women, it was me who had always made the comparisons, it was me who had assumed he was all about seeing a “perfect” woman, but there was no such thing, “the perfect woman”, was someone who was really enjoying sex.

I have learnt to really love and trust “The guy’s” sexuality and that admiration and trust has become a powerful tool in our sex life.  Now when we are in public I will find a woman I find attractive and ask him to imagine being with her and describe to me what he is doing. From being someone who was threatened by the slip of a breast in a movie, I am now a partner who fantasizes about holding The Guy from behind and kissing his neck as he fucks another woman (one day hopefully we will write a blog on this one and tell you how it works out 😉 . Through discovering his sexuality I have become so much more secure and confident in my own.

Male sexuality is actually a very beautiful thing and when understood and trusted by women can open up whole new worlds to play in and enjoy together.

The conversation stopper (by the girl)

The other day I was in a book club with some highly educated, intelligent and progressive women, we often talk about “feminist” topics and on this particular occasion we were talking about female sexuality. At one point in the conversation we were discussing how liberated women are sexually and I ventured that I could drop one word into the conversation that would make the whole room go quiet. This group of enlightened women looked at me wondering what I could throw in that would bring the likes of them to a stand-still, I looked back at them and said the word… masturbation. As predicted- a very awkward silence followed.  After the initial shock one of the braver women stammered that she does-has masturbated  but her gesture to raise the bar of honesty was a failed one where she was left out to dry, so to speak.

I masturbate, regularly, and I like it.

I don’t know why this is so taboo for women. With men it’s an assumed, something that is casually referred to and joked about. But women? Is it because of residual feelings of shame around liking sex? Is it because women, for the most part, have not yet owned that we have individual sex drives and ability for pleasure that does not require the actual presence of a phallus (at least not one that is connected to a man)?

I think that girls start developing their sexuality pretty young, younger than for boys in general and that most young girls had Barbies who had some pretty raunchy encounters with Ken. I think I might be a slightly younger than usual case, but I had discovered that I liked orgasms from around the age of 6-8 years old. We had one of those little black plastic motor bikes which were a common toy in the 6 year old category and I remember it feeling very good when driven over our cobbled driveway. I also had an innocent children’s book introducing kids to where babies come from, an aid for my parents to avoid stumbling over an awkward facts of life conversation. Far from being shocked I think I was fairly well acquainted with the idea and this book became the first version of porn that I would have.

I highly doubt that I am the only person with these memories as a young girl. Do women simply “outgrow” this? And why on earth do they feel the need to?

Masturbation is one of the key ways I have found to explore and discover myself, the things that I please myself to have taught me who I am sexually, and sharing these fantasies with my partner has lead to a deepened intimacy and understanding of each other as well as opened up a wealth of shared fantasies, some of which will soon become realities (but more on that next time).

Women as a whole need to learn to get comfortable with masturbation as a powerful way to enhance their sex lives and stop being ashamed or coy about it.

If you need some help in this department I highly recommend www.vivthomas.com for some high quality (well lit) porn that I have found has people who are not faking their pleasure or acting sexy but seem genuinely into what they are doing, and it involves more intimacy than your average video, which makes it an appealing source of porn for women. For those of you who are not yet ready to spend money on porn and would like some free “tasters” I recommend www.youporn.com.  I also recommend getting yourself a strap on, these attached to a pillow can give you the heightened pleasure of simulating sexual movement whilst using a dildo.